Austin Powers 3
by clarrie
Summary: Dr Evil attempts yet another global ransoming. That is, in between coping with a quantum paternity suit, No2's discovery of the internet and the amnesiac lesbian in the basement. The first fic I ever wrote (script)
1. Austin Powers 3

Austin powers 3 (My first ever venture into fic) ****

Austin powers 3 (My first ever venture into fic)

Written by Clarrie aided and abetted by Chloe, in the night after we saw Austin Powers II. 

Our script for the Austin Powers 3, written for the amusement of ourselves and our friends, before we knew of the shady world of fic. Mostly written in the early hours of the morning after a certain amount of *cough* liquid refreshment, therefore the grammar is not what it could be. 

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Disclaimer: We own nothing. Not the characters, Not the software it was written on, hell, even line 1099 was stolen from The Simpsons. 

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Dedicated to: Emma, the original She wolf, who did indeed puke like a fountain.

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Austin Powers 3 

Pre-titles sequence

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Austin and basil face to face. Close up

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Austin: (astonished) Exploding robots! Again?

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Basil: (officiously) Yes it appears that Dr evil blamed Jerry Springer for his humiliation on national television, exploding robots seemed like the answer I suppose.

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Cue shot of Scott /Frau 'I love you mom' bit at end of ap2 except as they hug some little lights blink and they explode.

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Austin: (screwing up his face) nasty!

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Basil: yes, (slightly puzzled face looking beyond camera) it's almost like some sort of running joke. (clears throat) and how's felicity?

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Austin (sad face) I have lost her to a better man 

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Basil: (pats Austin on shoulder) bad luck old chap

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Austin (close up on face) Yes, past Austin took felicity and they've gone to the Indian subcontinent. They said they wanted to find themselves, 

Basil and Austin stand around for a few seconds, basil clears his throat and glances nervously at his watch.

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Basil: and you Austin?

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Austin (grin) I'm letting people find me baby!!

Cue mad credit sequence with Austin being chased by frenzied crowds a la Austin power 1 and 2.

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SCENE 1

INTERIOR DR EVILS LIAR

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(Scott, no2, and Frau are sitting at the big table Dr evil is sort of standing at the head of the table)

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Dr Evil: I expect you are wondering why it is that I have gathered you all here?

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Scott: (scornfully) Weather machine?

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Dr Evil: pardon Scott?

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Scott: You've finished your weather machine

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Frau: Ja, ja, I thought weather machine.

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(no 2 sort of nods like he would like to agree with the other 2 but fears the pain which will be the inevitable result)

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Dr Evil: (sneering, and fiddling nervously with his throat) well, well that shows what you know doesn't it .I bought you here to discuss the, the (looks around, sees his feet) The fact that nobody wipes their fricking feet anymore. (gains momentum) I mean, what, just because I'm an evil doctor I'm not allowed to keep anything nice?

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Scott: (scoffs) weak!

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Frau: (shaking head like to say stop before you embarrass yourself further) we saw it being delivered

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Scott: Ass (puts feet up on table)

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Dr Evil: No 2 .The presentation.

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(No2 gets up and walks around, clicks a remote control which he is holding. a video wall behind him begins to show images of typhoons, drought and similar extreme weather) 

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No2: 15 yrs in the making. The Evil-tron 1999…

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Dr Evil: (quietly but proudly) ya I thought of that.

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Scott: Ass

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Dr Evil: (standing up and stopping no2) OK Scott. OK Mr clever man sitting there in your (finger quote marks) 'individual' clothing, (puts on a mocking squeaky voice) ' oh I'm so deep and interesting. Ooh look at my dark clothes I'm so tortured' OK then what exactly (draws out the word exactly and looks to Frau and no2 as if there's no question that he's right) is wrong with the Evil-tron 1999?

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(Frau and no2 look at the floor in embarrassment)

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Scott: You want me to tell you what's wrong with that name?

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Dr Evil: Ya Scott tell me what's wrong

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Scott: OK, first thing why 1999? Did you like fail the other 1998 times?

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Dr Evil sneers scornfully, but we can see the fear behind his eyes and he struggles for words.

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Scott: And what's with evil-tron? You trying to be like ironic or something?

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Dr Evil (still struggling to appear in charge): well

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Scott: just admit it, you were trying to be futuristic weren't you? So you named it after last year. Ass

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Frau taps Scott on the arm and nods slightly like to say leave it eh?

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Dr Evil (glares at Scott and his hand hovers over the 'Scott evil' button): No 2. The presentation?

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No2: 15 yrs in the making. The Evil-tron 1999 is a completely synthetic weather generator. At the touch of a button we can isolate and control the weather at any point on the earth. 

The opportunities are fantastic. We could create the perfect community.

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(realising that no2 is going to suggest something sensible about profits both Frau and Scott begin to look slightly embarrassed)

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No2 (cont.) If we purchased a small Caribbean island we could manage it so that the coast received only sunshine yet keep the interior at a temperate farming climate all year long. I project that we could regain the costs and be back in profit in less than six months (the video wall changes from images of weather destruction to bar graphs and pie charts, apparently showing the projected profits)

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Dr Evil: ya, how about we don't. I don't pour money into evil science research grants so that I can run a fricking holiday camp! Ok, you got that? Planned community? Who do you think I am? Fricking Disney?

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(no2 shakes his head subserviently)

Dr Evil grabs the control and switches the screen back to scenes of destruction 

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Dr Evil: Gentlemen! (Frau coughs) sorry, Associates! Today we are Gods!

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(lightening flashes, little finger goes to mouth, evil laughter begins and carries on for an uncomfortable amount of time without cutting away)

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Frau: Herr Docteurr? What are you going to use it for?

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Dr Evil: oh death destruction, the usual sort of thing.

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Scott: he hasn't got a clue. Dope

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Scott: it's useless, what'll you do. You'll threaten the world by saying you'll flood Washington or something yeah?

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Dr Evil: ya, that was kind of the plan ya.

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Scott: Meanwhile by the time you start flooding they've set up protection. You can't announce weather terrorism it won't work. Ya dope.

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Dr Evil: (angrily) OK, that's it. You're all dismissed get out .out of my main chamber you all have rooms. Scott you have homework or something.

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(Frau has a little trouble getting up)

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Frau: a little help? (Scott and no2 hold her by the arms and help her out of the futuristic egg chair. She stands up and this is the first time we see her bump).

PSYCHADELIC DANCE BREAK

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SCENE 2

THE M.O.D

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Austin and basil are walking along an M.O.D corridor

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Basil: We know that Dr Evil is up to something we just don't know what yet, so as you'll be going into action again soon we thought that you'd better have the right tools for the job.

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Austin: Oh yes, how is dear old 'W' these days?

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Basil: get with it Austin, 'W's long gone. You're new partner is in charge now.

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(Opens door and they enter huge aircraft hanger space full of people training and testing stuff, a la James bond)

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Basil: You might be interested to know that on your left are the M.o.D.'s very own version of the fembots.

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(Basil points to where a group of women/robots dressed fairly demurely in smart skirt suits are sitting with their legs crossed fluttering their eyelashes)

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Austin: Smashing. On a point of interest Basil why aren't there any Man bots?

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Basil: because women aren't that stupid Austin?

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Austin: Yeah (does wistful puppy face that he does after a bad joke all the way through AP2)

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Austin and Basil draw up to a more secluded area

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Basil: electronics are your new partner's speciality

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(They enter a room where a short dark haired youth wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt is darting around a punchbag)

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Basil: As you can see they've been hankering after a more active posting for some time now (he clears his throat loudly)

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The youth turns around to reveal that underneath the black t-shirt are an impressive pair of lady bumps.

She approaches Austin Powers and shakes him firmly by the hand.

: Austin Powers I presume? Agent 69, Basil has been telling me all about you.

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Agent 69 pushes her hair out of her eyes with her hand

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Austin Powers (does roger moore eyebrow): 69 eh? My favourite number. (laughs then does bad joke puppy face)

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Agent 69: Yes, Basil said you'd say that.

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(Basil coughs then grins sheepishly)

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Basil: Agent 69 has prepared a variety of new items for use on this mission. 

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He leads them over to a table with a variety of objects laid out on it. Austin picks one of them up.

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Austin: Right so this is the bomb, which we can set to go off at the exact second we leave Dr evil's hide out yeah?

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Basil: No Austin, that's my mobile phone

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Agent 69 picks up a tin

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Agent69: This can holds ordinary hairspray. You can use it to detect infra red beams and as a flame thrower. However, twist the lid and it will spray out magnetic particles which will wipe the memory of any computer which it touches.

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She picks up a smaller object

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Agent69: This is a hat pin

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Austin: which doubles as a micro transmitter. Groovy.

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Agent 69: No, it's just a hat pin, keep it about your person at all times. It's amazing how often your life can be saved by simply having access to something sharp.

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Basil and Austin nod and murmur in agreement 

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Agent 69: This is a stealth belt, when turned on you will appear on radar or heat sensors as an animal of some sort.

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Austin: I'm always an animal when I'm turned on baby. Yeah!

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Agent 69 just looks at him slightly dissmissively, before speaking as though nothing had happened

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Agent 69: And of course the two most important pieces of kit - ronnie and reggie. These two computers are the most sophisticated pieces of handheld computing power available to man.

(Agent 69 looks at Austin who clearly hasn't a clue) You probably shouldn't touch yours.

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Austin: I've never had to touch mine.

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Basil: Oh give it a rest Austin.

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Agent 69 picks up two suitcases and hands one to Austin

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Agent 69: We've got word that Dr Evil is back in Nevada so we're getting your plane out there

now Austin. Do you want a lift to the airport?

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Austin: I've got my own wheels baby.

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Basil coughs: Don't you think Austin, that Swinger 1 is perhaps a little too distinctive?

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Austin: What do you mean Basil?

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Basil: Oh come off it Austin. It might as well have ' here comes Austin Powers' written on it

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Austin: I think it does somewhere, all right then we'll take your car then agent 69.

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Agent 69: Oh I haven't got a car

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CUT TO SHOT OF AUSTIN CLINGNG TO BACK OF MOTORBIKE ARMS ROUND 69'S WAIST SHOUTING 'YEAH BABY!'

PSYCHADELIC DANCE BREAK

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SCENE 3

INTERIOR DR EVILS LAIR. MAIN CHAMBER

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Frau and Scott are seated at the table, Dr evil is standing camera concentrate on Dr evils face, 

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Dr Evil: Now it is time for me to make my demands, observe, for soon we will all be very rich men

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He turns to switch on the video phone he raises his finger to his mouth but lowers it as no2 enters shouting

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No2: Dr Evil! It's Jerry Springer! He's sent his lawyer!

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Enter a small dark haired man swaggering to a background of porn guitar (you know like the shaft music)

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Lionel Drescher: Lionel Drescher, attorney to Mr Jerry Springer who I believe is suing you. Now what was that I heard about very rich men?

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SCENE 4

EXTERIOR AUSTINS PLANE FLYING THROUGH THE CLOUDS

Austin's voice: Hey if the shaguar was distinctive what's my jumbo jet baby?

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Agent 69's voice: the only one the M.O.D don't pay insurance on Austin.

SCENE 5

INTERIOR DR EVILS LIAR. MAIN CHAMBER

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Scott, Frau, no2 and Lionel Drescher are seated at the table in the futuristic egg chairs, camera concentrate on Dr evils face.

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Dr Evil: Now it is time to make my demands, (raises finger hesitantly but can't take his eyes off LD) look does he have to be here? 

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Frau looks at Drescher who nods

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Frau: I think so, ja.

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Scott: Jeez I can't believe we're getting sued by Jerry Springer, you couldn't even do that properly numb nuts.

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Dr Evil: Scott, shhh.

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Scott: But

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Dr Evil: Shh

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Scott: But

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Dr Evil: Oh look Scott your dinner's ready, what is it? Oh it's Shh kebab

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Scott: I don't believe you you're like a child

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Dr Evil: Shh

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Scott scowls and puts his feet up on the table

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Dr Evil: Now it is time for me to make my demands, observe, for soon … what is she doing?

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(he looks at Frau who is laying out a glass of milk some vitamin pills and a sandwich)

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Frau: Scott could you remove your feet?

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Scott puts his feet on the floor

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Frau: vielen dank.

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Dr Evil: Frau? An explanation?

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Frau: it is my snack. My vitamin pills, a glass of milk for calcium, the bread has folic acid in it and herring because I really like herring.

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Dr Evil: And it can't wait no?

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Frau: Ja, but I get cranky if my blood sugar gets low

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Dr Evil: I'll take that as a no then shall I?

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They stand around whilst Frau takes her pills and eats her sandwich

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Dr Evil: You're finished?

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Frau nods

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Dr Evil: you enjoyed your sandwich? We didn't rush you?

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Frau: nien (she brushes crumbs off herself)

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Dr Evil: Now it is time for me to make my demands, observe, for soon we will all be very rich men

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He raises his finger to his mouth

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Dr Evil: Frau Farbissinna would you do the honours?

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Frau: TURN ON THE VIDEO PHONE!!!!!!!!!!! THIS SIGNIFYS BIG FRAU SHOUT

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Everyone flinches slightly, Frau burps delicately and puts her hand to her mouth and giggles, a huge screen lights up with a picture of all the worlds leaders gathered together in one room.

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Dr Evil (gesturing towards the screen) leaders of the civilised world?

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No2 nods

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Dr Evil: ya, just like to check.

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One of the world leaders clears his throat and Dr evil turns back towards the screen

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Dr Evil: Greetings leaders of the civilised world

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World leaders: bonjour, hello, guten tag etc

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Dr Evil: you will have noticed a slight 'unpredictability' in your 'climate' recently.

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Middle European world leader: El Nino?

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Dr Evil: No

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English world leader: We thought El Nino

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French world leader: we thought El Nino too

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All other world leaders echo viewpoint

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Dr Evil: Look it wasn't fricking El Nino ok? It was me and my fricking 'weather machine'. Why don't you show some fricking imagination for chrissake?

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He glares at Scott who is sniggering

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Dr Evil: With the Evil-tron 1999 I will cause chaos, scenes of unimaginable destruction in your agricultural centres, unless, that is, you give me…(finger goes to mouth) 100 billion dollars

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American world leader: You got a weather machine?

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Dr Evil: that's what I've just been saying. Honestly, throw me a fricking bone here.

American leader: I'll give you 200 billion for the blue prints.

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Dr Evil: You heard my demands Mr president

American leader: 500 billion

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Dr Evil: You just don't get it do you? You don't spend thirty fricking years building up an evil empire and then sell your weather machine. (raises finger to lips) 100 billion or we destroy you. That is all.

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He shuts down the video screen, evil laughter ensues 

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SCENE 6

EXTERIOR, NIGHT TIME, A ROAD SIDE IN NEVADA

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A battered armoured car pulls up alongside a young girl, the car carries the logo of Dr evil's private army and the girl is wearing similar surf/punk type clothes to Scott's.

Scott climbs out, head and shoulders outside of the armoured car.

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Scott: Kirstyn?

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Kirstyn: Cool! 

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Scott helps Kirstyn into the car 

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Kirstyn: This car rocks Scott! My dad would never let me have a car like this 

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Scott: That is so cool, most girls would like so not get this car.

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INTERIOR CAR

Scott: do you want some music on? I got the Blaster set up on the dash

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Kirstyn: Yeah cool

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Scott reaches down to find a tape 

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Scott: there's a six pack in the back if you want some

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Kirsten: that is like so cool, my brother won't buy me beer no matter what

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Scott: Oh one of dad's henchmen got it for me.

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Scott puts a tape in the ghetto Blaster and the shot moves to the exterior view and the car drives off to the backing of song 2 by Blur.

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SCENE7

EXTERIOR MOTORWAY SHOT FROM ABOVE 

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Agent 69's motorbike speeding along the motorway, taking the dark and their diplomatic immunity as an excuse to speed dangerously. Agent 69 driving, Austin riding pillion.

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Agent 69: WAHOOOOOOO!!

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SCENE 8

EXTERIOR OUTSIDE DR EVIL'S LAIR.

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Scott and Kirstyn lie on the top (bonnet? Would it be a bonnet? Hood for you Americans) looking up at the stars and the patrolling helicopters, music is coming from the car.

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Scott: My dad sucks

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Kirstyn: Mine too dude.

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Scott: (Casually) kirst? 

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Scott makes like to put arm round Kirstyn but she turns round and he turns it into a scratch.

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Kirstyn (referring to music): Shh I like this one 

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Kirstyn sits back listening to the music. Scott puts his arm out, she doesn't move, he puts his arm round her, she doesn't move, he smiles and puts his finger to his mouth realises that hereditary is showing pulls a disgusted teenager face.

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THE CAMERA MOVES INTO THE CORRIDOR OF DR EVILS LAIR, ALONG THE CORRIDOR LEFT INTO FRAU'S ROOM 

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Frau is walking around her room setting up some sort of speaker thing. She lies on her bed puts her hand on the bump, mutters something comforting in German (if that's not a contradiction in terms).

Frau picks up a remote control presses a button and speakers rise at the side of the bed in the viscinity of her bump.

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Frau: Genius awaits mien kliener kurbis (there should be an umlaut above the u in kurbis which is German for pumpkin (mien kliener kurbis = my little pumpkin in bad German)

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Frau presses another button on the remote control and Wagner comes out of the speakers at huge volume. She pats the bump and sits back closing her eyes and smiling (this is largely a visual joke which depends on you being able to hear the Wagner and knowing a that people sometimes try to make there children clever by playing relaxing classical music. The joke being that Wagner is mad nazi opera, classical but anything but relaxing, unless of course you're an evil genius)

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CAMERA PANS BACK AND OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR AGAIN, WE GO ALONG AND THEN RIGHT INTO THE PRIVATE ARMY'S DORM. WE LOOK LEFT AND RIGHT AS IF THE CAMERA IS LOST AND THEN BACK OUT AND FOLLOW THE CORRIDOR, EVENTUALLY TURNING LEFT INTO NO2'S ROOM.

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No2's room is dark except for the greeny blue glow of a computer screen. No2 sits at his desk goggle eyed, grinning stupidly with one hand supporting his chin. The camera positions itself behind his shoulder he types and we see on the screen the words, 'why don't you take it off' we realise that poor, sad, 52 year old virgin no2 has a cyber girlfriend.

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THE CAMERA BACKS OUT OF HIS ROOM, ALONG THE CORRIDOR AGAIN, INTO THE MAIN CHAMBER TO THE BIG TABLE.

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The main chamber is in darkness, apart from a small reading lamp on the table and a few coloured LEDs on the various machines. Dr Evil sits at the big table, Mr Bigglesworth sits on the big table. Dr Evil is looking at photographs.

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Dr Evil (looking at a black and white photograph of a line up of a line up of scary intense looking young men one of whom has his finger at the side of his mouth) You see that Mr Bigglesworth? The cream of our generation, the wunderkind. You see him Dr Doom? (Points to one of the young men)

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Mr Bigglesworth: Mrawp

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Dr Evil: he's an evil plastic surgeon now. He did Nancy Reagan, ya and him (points to another young man) Dr Decay? He's one of the foremost evil gynaecologists in the America.

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Mr Bigglesworth: Meow

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Dr Evil: Maybe I shouldn't have diversified into the Megalomania field? My mother always told me to stick to the debasement of nature's laws. (Looks at photo of him and scary looking woman standing next to something odd in a jar, he is holding a tiny bald kitten (yes I know he wasn't always bald but it's funnier this way) See there you are Mr Bigglesworth.

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Mr Bigglesworth: Kaaaark (coughs up furball and walks off)

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Dr Evil watches as his cat desserts him, he picks up a photo of himself and mini-me in like a party pose with paper hats on and their fingers to their mouths, he looks at it mournfully.

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Dr Evil: Oh mini -me where are you when daddy needs you? I am (pauses) incomplete.

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CUT TO, 

A LAB OF SOME SORT, YOUNG MEN INCLUDING MINI-ME ARE SEWING UP CORPSES (LIKE FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER) WHILST AN OLDER MAN INSTRUCTS THEM.

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Mini-me is just applying the electrodes when his head shoots up and he sniffs the air as if he can here something. He throws off his surgical apron, does a double flip off the stool on which he was standing to reach the corpse and runs out of the room whilst in the background his monster runs amok.

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PSYCHEDELIC DANCE BREAK

SCENE 9 

INTERIOR, A MOTEL ROOM.

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Agent 69 is unpacking surveillance equipment and a bar of soap and that; Austin is larking about on the bed 

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Austin: Do I make you horny baby? Do you think I'm sexy?

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Agent 69 (sarcastically, without emotion) Oh yes I'm positively frothing.

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Agent 69 walks into the bathroom Austin sits there puzzled by someone who is neither excited nor offended by him.

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Austin: So what's the deal with Dr Evil, baby? What's he up to this time?

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Agent 69 (from the bathroom): He's set up a weather machine, threatening the world, you know the drill. 

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She enters the room. The leather jacket, black t- shirt and jeans she wore before have been replaced by, well a leather jacket, black t-shirt and skirt but it looks good.

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Agent 69: We'll travel onwards into the area that our boys have estimated as the site of Dr Evil's lair tomorrow so…

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Austin: Yeah, yeah get some sleep. (makes fake yawn motion with hand)

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Agent 69 ( flicking away her cigarette) Hell no I'm going out. Meet me in the lobby if you want a lift.

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Austin watches her walk out to the tune of 'Purple haze' by jimi Hendrix faded in so that the 'That girl's put a spell on me' bit, is more obvious than the first druggy bit.

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SCENE 10 

EXTERIOR, UNDERNEATH OF A BOEING 747

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Mini-me clings frozen to the underside of a Boeing 747, as it goes in to land he jumps and lands in the ocean. The last thing we see before the camera cuts away is a fin, a large black triangular fin.

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SCENE 11

INTERIOR DR EVILS LAIR, A LARGE HANGER TYPE ROOM, NOT THE MAIN CHAMBER.

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Scott, Dr Evil, the Lawyer, no2 and mustapha are standing around a large object covered by a tarpaulin. no2 has just lit a cigar, he sees Frau enter the door and looks around for somewhere to put his cigar, he turns to Mustapha.

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No2: Here Mustapha, you want this?

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Mustapha: Many thanks sir that is most kind. (Takes cigar and starts to smoke it with evident enjoyment)

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Frau reaches group, takes out gun points to no smoking sign with gun.

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Frau: NO SMOKING!!

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Frau shoots Mustapha with big gun, Mustapha falls to ground with an aargh. No2 checks his pulse.

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No2: He's dead.

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Dr Evil: (surprised) really?

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Scott: Dude! Check again.

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No2 checks again 

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No2: dead.

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Dr Evil: Didn't see that one coming 

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Scott: Go Mom

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Frau, no2 and Scott murmur their agreement.

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Lionel Drescher (the lawyer): What is wrong with you people? She just shot him in the eye. Even if he wasn't dead he'd be very badly injured.

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They look at each other, and then at Frau who is putting away her gun and apparently not paying attention.

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Dr Evil (clears his throat) Frau?

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Frau: Ja? (straightens up without putting her gun away, therefore pointing the gun at Dr Evil.)

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Dr Evil (backing off) Nothing, no, you go girl! Smoking kills!

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She finishes putting gun away, group turn away from her and towards Dr Evil apart from the lawyer.

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Dr Evil: No2, the unveiling!

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No2: Introducing the newest addition to the evil collection. A way to transport the higher echelons of evil corp without resorting to the standard evil army vehicles. 

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No2 takes hold of the tarpaulin.

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No2: Gentlemen, the Evil bus!

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The tarpaulin is pulled off to reveal a huge silver bus, a huge silver London routemaster bus (for those of you unfamiliar with London busses, they would really look crappy painted silver)

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Scott: Oh that sucks.

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Dr Evil: No2, rarely as I agree with my son I do have to say that, ya, that sucks through a hose.

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They turn and leave the room, Frau and the lawyer bringing up the rear.

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Lionel Drescher: (turning to Frau) So you're Mrs Evil?

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Frau: (looking irritated) nien

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Lionel Drescher: (interested) But I bet you've got a good alimony deal going, (gestures around) I mean with all this, he can't be short of money.

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Frau: alimony?

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Lionel Drescher: (leading Frau away) I think we should have a little talk.

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PSYCHEDELIC DANCE BREAK

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SCENE 12

EXTERIOR, A BEACH

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Mini-me climbs over a sand dune, his quasi-futuristic suit is tattered but he is holding a shark's fin with a bite taken out of it. He walks to the road and looks to a sign, it says NEVADA 400 miles.

Looking resigned mini-me sticks out his thumb, hitch hiker style.

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SCENE 13

INTERIOR, MOTEL

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Austin and Agent 69 lie in bed, Austin looks 'spent', Agent 69 sits up, slips on her jeans under her t-shirt/nightie and walks to the window, cleaning her teeth with her finger.

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Austin: Grrr baby.

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Agent 69: Whatever

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Austin: Hey baby, you're treating me like meat on a stick here!

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Agent 69: And?

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Austin; Hey fine with me baby, if you want to stay casual around the Powers phenomena that's your bag. I've just got one question for you. (grins) Do I make you horny? Do I?

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Agent 69: (sarcastically, as if not really listening) Uncontrollably. (She turns to Austin.) If I were you I'd put some clothes on, We've got an appointment at the doctors.

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Austin: Yeah (bad joke puppy face)

SCENE 14 

INTERIOR, DR EVIL'S LAIR, THE MAIN CHAMBER.

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Dr Evil, Scott, Frau and the lawyer are seated around the table. The lawyer has papers out on his desk 

Dr Evil is looking at the papers as if he understands them.

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Lionel Drescher: Whilst my client, due to loyalty to evil corp and the complications set in place by the existence of a time machine vis a vis the probability that she cannot sue for loss of earnings having never suffered said loss of earnings, is prepared to forego suing for any money on her own behalf.

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Dr Evil: Cool

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Lionel Drescher: However. It is important that we address the matter of both the children's status, vis a vis their position in your will and the fact that whilst Scott is the oldest child, the second child currently known as…

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Looks at Frau

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Frau: Kurbis

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Lionel Drescher: We'll call it baby Evil in the paper work hey?

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Turns back to the paper work

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Lionel Drescher: The second baby was conceived in 1969 and is therefore technically 11years older than the aforementioned, test tube baby, Scott Evil. Assuming that the elder child will get the bulk of your estate which will it be?

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Scott: Bogus

****

Lionel Drescher (reading from piece of paper): She is also prepared to (pauses and looks up) are you sure about this?

****

Frau: Ja

****

Lionel Drescher (returning to paper) prepared to overlook the matter of any provision for herself being made on the condition that you …spend some time together as a family?

****

SCENE 15

EXTERIOR, DR EVILS LAIR

__

Austin and Agent 69 stand outside watching the single inept guard patrolling.

****

Austin: Ok, you stay here I'll take on the single inept guard.

****

Agent 69: Fair enough

__

Austin runs up to the guard and cracks him across the shoulder with the side of his hand.

****

Austin: Judo chop!

__

The guard falls to the floor. Austin stands about looking pleased for himself, Agent 69 slips past him into the building.

****

Agent 69: Come on.

****

THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO INTERIOR SHOT, THE CORRIDOR IS DARK DUE TO THE FACT THAT IT'S EARLY MORNING

__

Austin strides in confidently 

****

Austin: Come in 69, there's no one around 

__

Agent 69 grabs him by the throat from behind. She sprays the hairspray into the air and Austin watches as the air in front of his face fills with infra red beams.

****

Austin: Aah.

****

SCENE 16

INTERIOR, SCOTT'S ROOM, SPLIT SCREEN SCOTT AND KIRSTYN ON THE PHONE.

Kirstyn: So I said well, I'm not a child any more and you can't treat me like one so if I have to dad I'll go and live on my own. So can I sleep in your car?

****

Scott: That sucks man. If you want we've got a whole women's quarters for my dad's private army that's like completely unused.

****

Kirstyn: Cool. I didn't know you had women soldiers in the private army?

****

Scott: Well we've only got one.

****

THE SPLIT SCREENS SEPARATE TO BOTH SIDES OF THE SCREEN, IN THE MIDDLE IS 

UNIBRAU DOING ARMY TRAINING STUFF.

****

Kirstyn: Wow

****

Scott: You remember that Woman golfer who disappeared?

****

Kirstyn: yeah, kinda.

****

Scott: well it's her, don't tell her that she's a golfer though. We kinda had to hypnotise her, there was an incident.

****

Kirstyn: Dude!

****

Scott: Yeah, but if you wolf whistle she barks like a dog.

****

Kirstyn: Massive abuse of hypnotism as a brainwashing technique man

****

Frau (in the distance) SCOTT!!!!!!

****

Scott: Hey Kirst, I've got to go now.

****

Kirst: Oh

****

Scott: Yeah my mom's all like we've got to have a family breakfast and stuff.

****

Kirstyn: That blows dude

****

Scott: Yeah

****

Frau (in the distance) SCOTT!!!!!!

****

Dr Evil (also in the distance) You'd better come Scott she gets cranky when her blood sugar gets low. What? What? You said you did. Scott come and help your father Scott! Scott I believe my life to be in danger Scott!

****

Scott: Sorry Kirst gotta go.

__

Scott puts down the phone and walks away down the corridor,

****

THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO THE MAIN CHAMBER, FACING A LIFT.

__

The lift doors opened and Scott steps out, he walks to the table where Dr Evil and Frau are already seated.

****

Frau: Wie geht es ihnen Scott?

****

Dr Evil: Son

__

Scott sits down in a lumpy teenage way.

Silence, Dr Evil takes the top off of his boiled egg with a spoon delicately and over politely. It flies off and hits one off the guards in the face.

****

Dr Evil (looking back towards the guard) Sorry, I don't usually do eggs. (turning back towards table and smiling falsely)

****

Dr Evil: (holding out coffeepot) Coffee?

****

Scott: (in a surly teenage manner) no

__

Dr Evil offers the coffee pot to Frau

****

Frau: (gesturing to the bump and smiling apologetically) makes me a little sick

****

Scott: She puked like a fountain

****

Dr Evil: no coffee. Ok (puts coffeepot down and taps nervously on the tabletop)

****

Dr Evil: So, what's everyone doing today?

****

Frau: I have a scan

__

Dr Evil looks puzzled

****

Scott: numb nuts

****

Frau: To check (makes a general gesture towards herself) to see if iss ien mermaid. Or Siamese twins.

****

Dr Evil: (distantly) Ya, that would be cool.

****

Scott: ass

__

Frau glares at Dr Evil

****

Dr Evil (snaps back to earth): no, right, uncool

****

SCENE 17

EXTIERIOR, A TRUCK STOP STATION 

__

The door to a huge articulated lorry opens, mini-me jumps out.

****

Voice of unseen truck driver: You be careful little buddy. I'd take you further but this is my last stop.

__

Mini-me salutes as the truck drives off. He turns and walks towards the stop station.

****

CUT TO, INTERIOR TRUCK STOP STATION.

__

The camera pans around the interior of the truck stop station, we see that it's populated almost entirely by huge scary red neck truckers and dusty arsed bikers. The camera focuses on the door which opens, everyone one turns to face the door. In walks mini-me.

SCENE 18

INTIERIOR, DR EVIL'S LAIR, CORRIDOR.

__

Austin and Agent 69 creep along the corridors, occasionally Agent 69 sprays the hairspray and the creep under an infra red beam or Austin judo chops a stray guard.

****

Agent 69: You've worked with Dr Evil before, where do you think he'd keep a weather machine?

****

Austin: Weather machine room?

****

Agent 69 (Shrugging): It's a possibility.

****

PSYCHEDELIC DANCE BREAK


	2. Austin Powers 3

SCENE 19 ****

SCENE 19

INTERIOR, MAIN CHAMBER, DR EVIL'S LAIR

__

Scott, Dr Evil and Frau are still seated at the table, they fidget nervously.

****

Scott: So have you thought of any names yet?

****

Frau: Ja, ja. I thought perhaps Adolf or something more traditional, like Attilla?

****

Dr Evil: Right. And you don't think that you'd prefer something a little less... European?

****

Scott: What if it's a girl?

****

Dr Evil: Pardon Scott?

****

Scott: What if the baby's a girl? It's like a 50/50 chance right?

****

Dr Evil: It's going to be a boy 

****

Scott: You don't know that

****

Dr Evil: I don't have female sperm.

****

Scott: Ass, how can you not have female sperm?

****

Frau: Probably Eva.

__

They both turn back and look at Frau. Dr Evil regains a measure of his composure.

****

Dr Evil: So how do you plan to use your time Scott?

****

Scott: I've just going to like meet some people and then Sweet Jay right said he'd like drive us to the mall so we'll probably go there.

****

Frau: I don't want that boy driving you. I don't trust him.

****

Scott (angrily) You two always do this! How can you say you don't trust him? You don't even know him! You work for an evil organisation for chrissake!

****

Dr Evil: Don't talk to your mother like that Scott.

****

Scott: She's not my Mom, she's a Psycho. I shouldn't even be here. How come the 1999 Frau disappeared when she came here and I didn't? We've got Unibrau in the barracks who we can't send out into the real world because you hypnotised her rather than try and explain what happened. This sucks.

****

Dr Evil: Ah

__

Enter Austin Powers walking backwards.

****

Austin: OK 69 I'm pretty sure that this is the way through to the …OH

****

Dr Evil: (eyes wide with relief) Aha Austin Powers! Look Scott its Austin Powers!

****

Scott: Bite me

****

Dr Evil: Oh Scott. It hurts daddy when you say that.

__

Austin Powers clears his throat.

Dr Evil turns back to Austin Powers and Agent 69.

****

Dr Evil: Guards place them in a cell until we have a suitable punishment.

SCENE 20

INTERIOR, INSIDE A CELL

__

Austin and Agent 69 sit in the cell (a proper cell, not an easily escapable with one inept guard)

****

Agent 69: Arse

PSYCHEDELIC DANCE BREAK

SCENE 21 

INTERIOR, THE DUSTY TRUCK STOP

__

Mini-me and a huge dusty arsed biker are arm wrestling. The crowd is going wild

SCENE 22

INTERIOR, DR EVIL'S PRIVATE ARMY BARRACKS -FEMALE

__

The doors slide open and Kirstyn and Scott enter, Scott is carrying Kirstyn's bags.

****

Kirstyn: Autumn's mom's, like, French and she kept feeding Autumn's sister in public and stuff.

Scott: Gross. No one wants to see that.

__

Unibrau looms up 

****

Unibrau: Guten Tag Master Scott

****

Scott: Attenshun! Unibrau, This is your new officer. You will obey her every order. If she tells you to do her laundry you will do her laundry. Do you understand me Private?

****

Unibrau: Ja volle

__

Unibrau leaves the room.

****

Kirstyn: That is, like, a massive abuse of power

****

Scott: It's easier that way.

****

CUT TO CORRIDOR

__

Lionel Drescher walks past the doorway, humming cheerily.

****

Kirstyn (from within room): Scott, this place rules.

__

Lionel Drescher's ears prick up

****

Scott: (from within room) So how cool is it exactly?

****

Kirstyn: (from within room) Oh about this cool.

__

Kissing noises come from within the room

Lionel Drescher runs into the room.

****

Lionel Drescher: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY BABY GIRL!!!!!

SCENE 23

INTERIOR, THE MAIN CHAMBER.

__

Austin and Agent 69 have been decked out in quasi-futuristic clothing, Agent 69 looks uncomfortable in hers.

Dr Evil, Frau, and no2 stand at the main table Scott sits at the main table in a sulk. Kirstyn and Lionel Drescher stand at the side bickering.

****

Lionel Drescher: What made you think I'd let you stay here? I can't let you stay in a lair with 203 single men.

****

No2: We have a lesbian in the private army now too

****

Lionel Drescher: Oh God! (puts his head in his hands) My father said, never have children but did I listen?

__

He take his head out of his hands

****

Lionel Drescher: You a single man no2?

__

No2 nods

****

Lionel Drescher: Stay that way, never have children, never.

****

Dr Evil: He rarely leaves the complex.

****

They all look at no2

__

No2 throws down his filofax angrily

****

No2: I'm sick of this. I've spent my entire life as number two! Straight out of Evil Accountancy College, I've sacrificed my private life to build up this business time and time again only to see you try and destroy it. I lost an eye for you. You've tried to kill me twice. Well I've had enough, I'm not going to be number two any more. I'm going to someone who thinks that I'm number one. I'm going to my Kandy.

****

Dr Evil: You finished?

__

No2 breathing heavily, nods

****

Dr Evil: How do I put this no2? Kandy is a moose, a huffer, a dog. Scott you got a few more insults about a woman's appearance?

****

Scott: Plantagenet?

****

Dr Evil: A plantagenet (thinks) do you want to give me an insult you didn't make up?

****

Scott: Hose beast.

****

Dr Evil: cool. Face it no2 if she didn't look like Nixon's ugly cousin she'd have a real boyfriend.

****

No2 (upset face) Scott?

****

Scott: Probably true dude, she might even be a guy

__

No2 looks crestfallen.

****

Austin: Um excuse me (raises hand) cooee?

****

Dr Evil: So you back with us no2, how about we call you no2 &1/2. That make you feel like a big man? You going to cry?

****

No2: no sir

****

Dr Evil (turning back to Austin Powers): And so Mr Powers back to your bloody and horrible death.

****

Scott: Just shoot him!

****

Dr Evil: Ya, I believe we've discussed this before. This Scott is what makes the difference between an evil genius and a random lunatic.

__

He turns back to Austin Powers and Agent 69

****

Dr Evil: We have prepared a cell, a cell with a ceiling which will slowly lower in on you. Crushing your fragile bodies agonisingly. Cool eh?

__

He claps his hands together

****

Dr Evil: Take them to the cell.

****

SCENE 24

INTERIOR, SHRINKING CELL

__

Austin and Agent 69 are bending over as the ceiling closes down.

****

Agent 69: (sarcastically) Oh follow me 69, I know this place like the back of my hand

****

SCENE 25 

INTERIOR, MAIN CHAMBER

__

Dr Evil, Scott, Frau and no2 stand at the table. Lionel Drescher and Kirstyn stand away to the side bickering.

****

Dr Evil: Here's where I repeat my threat to the world, ya I know it gets a little repetitive but it's a very important part of my job.

__

He is distracted by Lionel Drescher and Kirstyn's bickering.

****

Dr Evil (frowning): Hey lawyer man? Girl I don't know? Could you move a little to the left please? Ya that's great.

__

Dr Evil presses a button and they disappear through a trapdoor.

****

Scott: Dude you killed my girlfriend!

****

Dr Evil: Relax Scott it's Tuesday the furnace is out today.

****

Scott (sarcastically) Well that's just …(Looses thread) well.

****

Dr Evil turns back to the videophone.

Dr Evil: Frau Farbissinna, would you like to do the honours?

****

Frau: TURN ON THE VIDEOPHONE!! Ooh.

****

Dr Evil: (looking towards the video phone) So gentlemen do we…

__

He stops as No2 whispers something in his ear and turns around to look at Frau who appears somewhat disturbed.

****

Dr Evil: Is this normal? (gestures) the liquid?

****

Scott: Her waters broke you freak.

****

Dr Evil (nodding) Oh ya, right. (does startled double take) Oh! Hey one of you help her honestly what do I pay you guys for?

__

They all turn and approach Frau, an unnamed guard from the private army is the first to reach her and she puts her arm around his shoulder for support. The first contraction comes, she shouts and snaps his neck like a twig. He falls to the ground dead and everyone else jumps back slightly.

****

Dr Evil: O - K, a little scared now.

__

Turns to no2

****

Dr Evil: Don't we have a fricking hospital in this complex?

****

No2: No sir, as I remember it you said that you'd rather hire dispensable underlings.

****

Dr Evil: (as if remembering having said this) Oh ya, ya I did.

****

World Leader on videophone: There's a hospital two blocks from here. St John the Evangelist on 4th street.

__

All the other world leaders look at him.

****

World leader on videophone: What? There is!

****

Dr Evil: To The Evil bus!!!

__

He turns to Frau

****

Dr Evil: Can we get her a wheelchair or something.

__

They all leave the main chamber.

SCENE 26

INTERIOR, SHRINKING CELL.

__

Austin, and Agent 69 are standing in the cell as the ceiling lowers upon them.

****

Agent 69: How are we going to get out of this one?

****

Austin: Well we could lie flat and using yogic breathing techniques flatten ourselves almost completely so that when the guard thinks that we must be dead we can slide out and take over the complex.

****

Agent 69: Or

__

Agent 69 turns to face the one inept guard

****

Agent 69 (pouting) hey come here.

__

The inept guard blunders over

****

Agent 69: (flicking her hair back and licking her lips) Closer, I want to whisper in your ear.

__

Inept guard bends over 

****

Agent 69(whispers) Men are_ so_ stupid.

__

She grabs him and throws him into the cell as the jump out, the previously slow moving crushing devise mysteriously speeds up as they switch places with the guard, crushing him almost instantly

****

Austin: What a grind

****

Austin: I think he had a crush on you.

__

Agent 69 smiles wanly

****

Austin: I bet he's feeling pretty flat now

****

Agent 69: Come on 

__

They run out into the main chamber which is deserted. They look around puzzled.

****

World leader on videophone: They went off in the evil bus.

****

Austin: Oh Ta, thanks.

****

World leader: You're welcome

__

Austin and Agent 69 stand about.

****

Austin (clearing his throat): Did you happen to notice?

****

World leader: They took the weather remote with them.

****

Austin: Yeah, right that makes sense.

__

Austin scratches his head.

****

Austin: Well, um, bye then.

__

Austin and Agent 69 run out of the main chamber.

****

PSYCHEDELIC DANCE BREAK

****

SCENE 27

INTERIOR, THE EVIL BUS. 

__

Dr Evil, Scott and Frau are in the back of the bus. No2 Is driving.

Frau is lying on the floor, holding on to the pole things and doing the breathy exercises (hey you've seen nazi's give birth in buses before you know what it looks like).

****

Dr Evil: Hold your mother's hand Scott

****

Scott: Bite me!

****

Dr Evil: Hold her hand she needs comforting 

****

Scott; no, you just hope she'll kill me.

__

Dr Evil looks guilty.

****

Frau: why (pant) are we (pant) not at a HOSPITAL!!!!

****

Dr Evil: No2 why are we not at a hospital?

****

No2: The directions given to us were a little patchy, Dr.

****

Scott: Oh we are so lost!

****

SCENE 28

EXTERIOR, DR EVILS LAIR

__

Austin and Agent 69 are preparing Agent69's bike for the off. Agent 69 starts to pull on a pair of jeans.

****

Austin: Hey baby we haven't got time for fashion decisions.

****

Agent 69: There speaks a man who has obviously never ridden a motorbike in a bikini.

__

Austin does little head on side bad joke puppy face

****

Agent 69: Come on we've got to get on their tails.

****

Austin: It's a huge silver bus, I don't think we'll miss it 

****

Agent 69: Remind me again how close to Vegas we are Austin?

__

Austin does little head on side bad joke puppy face

Agent 69 gets on the motorbike and looks back over her shoulder.

****

Agent 69: Hop on baby

****

Austin: Grrr baby Grrr

__

Gets on Bike they drive off.

****

SCENE 29 

INTERIOR, THE EVIL BUS 

__

Dr Evil, Scott and Frau are in the back of the bus. No2 Is driving.

Frau is lying on the floor, holding on to the pole things and doing the breathy exercises which are getting more urgent.

****

Scott: You're a doctor do something!

****

Dr Evil: Ya, they're not big on obstetrics in evil medical school. Not much call for evil midwives. Bigger on reanimation of dead flesh, cloning that sort of thing.

__

Frau shouts

Scott and Dr Evil jump back.

****

Dr Evil (quietly to Scott) I don't think anyone is getting out of this bus alive.

****

No2: (Looking into the mirror) Powers is on our tail Dr 

****

Dr Evil: More important things going on back here no2

****

No2: Shall I try and lose him?

****

Scott: (quietly to Dr Evil) did you see that will smith film where the chicks having a her kid in the cab and these tentacles, like, shoot out and swing will smith about the road?

****

Dr Evil: (looking nervously back at Frau) ya, that's not likely to happen here though is it?

****

Scott: Don't ask me, you're the doctor.

__

Both edge back nervously.

****

No2: I think I've lost them 

CUT TO ROADSIDE,

__

Austin and Agent 69 are standing next to her bike.

****

Austin: They've lost us. 

__

Intelligence call goes off on bike.

****

Basil: So how did it go Agent 69, Austin?

****

Austin: We've lost them Basil.

****

Basil: Oh. Well you've got four days to find them before the weather machine starts up.

****

Agent 69: Four days? But we thought.

****

Basil: Well we realised you kept saving the world at the last minute so we thought that if you thought that it was the last minute then…

****

Austin: got you, good plan yeah.

__

Transmission ends.

****

Austin: four days eh?

****

Agent 69: Wow

****

Austin; We can relax a bit I suppose.

****

Agent 69: Which way did they go?

****

Austin: (pointing vaguely) That way I think 

****

Agent 69: kay

__

She starts the bike up again and they meander off in that general direction.

****

SCENE 30

INTERIOR, THE EVIL BUS.

__

Scott and Dr Evil stand around looking shocked. Frau is obviously set to pop the sprog.

****

Scott: Do something!!

****

Dr Evil: Ok, I'm the doctor, I can do this.

__

He approaches Frau who grabs him by the throat and squeezes.

****

Frau (with narrowed eyes and through gritted teeth) If you so much as touch me I will snap you like a twig.

__

Dr Evil's eyes bulge out.

Frau throws him to the side and he lies there wheezing.

****

Scott: I heard that in china they like just sit down in a field and carry on or something.

****

Dr Evil (lying on the floor wheezing) Not helping Scott.

__

No2 skids the bus to a halt and climbs into the back.

****

No2: Frau you might want to start pushing now 

****

Scott: (in awe) She'll destroy him

__

No2 approaches Frau 

****

Frau: HIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!

****

No2 (to Scott): Scott, could I have your shirt?

__

Scott takes off the baggy overshirt thing he usually wears as a jacket and passes it to No2.

****

Frau: HIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!

__

The sound of a child's cry. No2 wraps the baby in Scott's shirt and hands it to Frau.

****

Scott: Dude you got baby goop all over my shirt.

****

Frau: Junge oder Madchen?

****

No2: It's a boy, and may I say he's the image of yourself Dr.

****

Dr Evil (still lying on the floor and wheezing) Ya, trying to breath here.

****

CAMERA PANS ROUND TO HEAD SHOT OF DR EVIL LYING ON THE FLOOR

Dr Evil (to camera) Ya, I thought that it would be a girl too. Or twins at least.

SCENE 31

EXTERIOR, ROADSIDE.

__

Austin and Agent 69 sit at the roadside. Agent 69 is using the lap top computer.

****

Austin: Have you got a fix on the Evil bus yet?

****

Agent 69: it seems to be driving in circles about 200 miles from here?

****

SCENE 32

INTERIOR, THE EVIL BUS 

__

No2 is still driving, Dr Evil is lying on the floor still. Scott stands looking out of the front of the bus.

Frau sitting Persil fresh holds baby Attilla who has acquired a quasi-futuristic romper suit.

****

Scott: We are so lost 

****

Frau: ja

****

Dr Evil: Ya

__

The stand, lie, sit and drive in silence for a moment. Frau bounces baby Attilla.

****

Scott: When Josh's mom had his brother, Josh and his dad got so drunk they didn't come home for two days. His mom was so pissed (in the American sense).

****

Dr Evil: Cool.

****

No2: I think I can see some sort of truck stop ahead Dr.

****

INTERIOR, TRUCK STOP/ OUT OF TOWN RESTURAUNT/ BAR.

__

The door opens, Dr Evil, Scott, no2, Frau and baby Attilla enter. They are approached by a women for whom the word perky was invented.

****

Perky girl: Party name?

****

Dr Evil: Pardon? Oh, Evil.

****

Perky girl: OK. Mr Evil if you'd like to go on through someone will serve you soon .The special is chicken fried steak and tonight is kareoke night!

****

Dr Evil: Dr actually.

****

Perky girl (false smile) Ok, you and your family have a good time now Dr Evil!

__

They walk through to the main area and sit at a table. They pick up menus.

****

Dr Evil: The buffalo wings look quite good I think.

__

He turns to face the waiter who has just cleared his throat to get their attention. They lower their menus and we see it is mini-me. 

Mini-me recognises them and his face lights up. Tacky 'reunion' music plays.

****

Dr Evil: Mini-me! What are you doing here?

****

Mini-me shrugs

Dr Evil: People it's mini-me. Come and join us mini- me. You shouldn't be serving. Mini-me is home!

****

Scott: Jeez it's like the freaking Brady Bunch.

__

Mini-me slides up the bench next to Dr Evil, which means he is opposite Frau, who holds baby Attilla close to her chest and snarls.

****

Dr Evil: (whispering to mini-me) you don't want to screw about with her mini-me she's like a fricking she wolf.

__

No2 and Scott nod

****

SCENE 33

EXTERIOR, FREEWAY

__

Austin and Agent 69 are on Agent 69's bike, Agent is looking at the laptop which is balanced on the handlebars. She is driving at the same time.

****

Austin: 69?

****

Agent 69: (distracted) yes?

****

Austin: LOOK OUT!!!!!

__

Agent 69 looks up and swerves to avoid the huge big rig which is heading straight for them.

The stop at the edge of the road and watch as her laptop is swept under the wheels of the truck, crushing it into a million pieces.

****

Austin; That's not good.

****

Agent 69: yeah. No it's not good. I mean I'll be able to track the Evil bus on yours though if you can get it off the back of the bike for me.

****

Austin: Ah…

****

Agent 69: Austin?

Austin (looking guilty) Yeah, umm, I'm sorry baby. I kind of broke mine in the motel room.

__

Agent 69 looks aghast

****

Austin: Hey baby I thought we'd be ok I didn't know how to use it any way and you had yours.

****

Agent 69 (lighting a cigarette) We are so screwed.

****

SCENE 34

INTERIOR, TRUCK STOP / OUT OF TOWN RESTURAUNT/ BAR.

__

No2 sits at the bar playing with a box of matches. In the background the velvet underground song 'Candy says' is playing (this is a very mournful song not chosen merely for it's title) He looks around at the people laughing and stuff. He looks at Scott who having it seems gotten over Kirstyn is chatting up perky girl. He looks at Dr Evil who has mini-me back. He looks sadly back at his drink.

****

Unseen Barman: Hey Kandy another pitcher to table 4.

****

Kandy's voice: Ok hun load em up.

__

No2 startled back to earth looks in the direction of the voice. The speaker is a not unattractive women aged around 35-40. Not a supermodel but definitely not Nixon's ugly cousin.

****

No2 (turns towards her): Kandygirl @Yahoo.com?

****

Kandy (looking puzzled) Yeah sugar, do I know you?

****

No2: Big boy@ Evilcorp.com

****

Kandy: Oh! (puts her hand to her mouth)

__

They turn around suddenly distracted as the kareoke compere starts to introduce someone.

****

Kareoke compere: I'd like to introduce tonight's first plucky entrants to the 'Kareoke Korrall' 

(he reads from a card) Apparently this is going out for little baby Attilla (spotlight swings round to baby Attilla and Frau who looks embarrassed and waves. women in the audience make 'aah' type noises. One man says _dude_ in a highly surprised, and not a little revolted, manner) Dr and Scott Evil singing that old 'Kink's' favourite 'Stop all your sobbing'

__

Lights go up on stage. 

****

Dr Evil: It is time for you stop all of your sobbing, yes it's time for you to stop all of your sobbing.

****

Scott: Uhuhu

****

Dr Evil and Scott: There's one thing you got to do, to make me still want you.

****

Scott: Gotta stop yeh sobbing now.

****

Dr Evil: Yeah.

****

Scott: Stop it, 

****

Dr Evil and Scott: Gotta stop yeh sobbing now

****

SCENE 35

EXTERIOR, FREEWAY

__

Agent 69 and Austin are on 69's bike speeding along the freeway.

****

Austin: What do we do now? We can't just give up baby that's not my style.

****

Agent 69: We can't find Dr Evil until we get a new laptop. M.O.D won't fly one in until tomorrow at least.

__

Agent 69 looks in her wing mirror and sees how sad Austin looks.

****

Agent 69: Why don't we relax tonight? There's a bar along here somewhere.

__

Austin nods sadly. They pull off at a junction and park outside the truckstop/Restaurant/bar.

Agent 69 takes off her helmet, her hair flows out nicely. Austin takes off his helmet and he has really bad hat hair and looks like a maniac. They walk into the restaurant.

Perky girl approaches them

****

Perky girl: Group name?

****

Austin: Powers, Austin Danger Powers.

__

Perky girl looks questioningly at Agent 69

****

Agent 69: Smith

****

Perky girl: OK. Mr and Mrs Smith if you'd like to go on through someone will serve you soon .The special is chicken fried steak and tonight is kareoke night!

****

Austin: Hey, why did she believe you?

****

Agent 69: Come on you Muppet let's get a drink.

__

They walk into the bar/restaurant area and are met by the site of Dr Evil and Scott mid Kareoke.

****

Dr Evil and Scott: Got to stop your sobbing now!

****

Agent 69: Wow. That's an amazing coincidence

****

Austin: Stop those kareoke singers!!!

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Kandy: hey hun we've had worse

__

Austin and agent 69 rush up onto the stage but Scott and Dr Evil run off stage.

****

Dr Evil: You'll never get us Austin Powers!

****

Scott: umm. Why?

****

Dr Evil: Ya, right. Run!

__

They run out of the bar and jump into the bus roaring off with Scott driving. Austin jumps on just as they drive off with Agent 69 following on the bike.

Austin stands at the front of the bus and chases Dr Evil as he runs to the back of the bus and up the stairs (English double decker routemaster bus remember) they end up on the roof of the bus.

Dr Evil stands facing forward swaying slightly with the motion of the bus as it sweeps around corners due to the fact that an 18year old is driving.

****

Dr Evil (holds up the weather remote): is this what you want Mr Powers?

****

Austin: Well kind of yes.

****

CAMERA SWITCHES TO AGENT 69'S VIEWPOINT BEHIND THE BUS LOOKING UP.

Agent 69 balances on the bike seat and prepares to jump.

CUT BACK TO THE BUS ROOF

Dr Evil: You'll never get it Mr Powers, because you would have to kill me first and the one thing that I know you could never do Mr Powers is kill.

****

Austin: Umm no. (gestures to self) Austin Powers licensed to kill remember? Killed more of your private army than you've had hot dinners?

****

Scott (from below) Ass

__

Just as Dr Evil is about to reply to Scott he is knocked off his feet by Agent 69 who jumps on him from behind takes the weather remote rolls along the bus roof and pulls Austin off the bus roof. They go flying through the air and land in a pile of compost. She presses a few buttons on the controls and the words Evil tron 1999 Deprogrammed flashes up.

****

Austin: Dr Evil got away again baby!

****

Agent 69: But you saved the world Austin. And you got the weather remote.

****

Austin: But.

****

Agent 69: You got the weather remote.

__

The communications signal goes off.

****

Basil: Austin? Agent 69? How did it go? 

****

Austin: Dr Evil got away!

****

Agent 69; But Austin got the weather remote

****

Basil: Good show Austin. We'll send a plane for you immediately! (looks at Austin and Agent 69 who are covered in compost) And we'll make sure it's got a shower in it.

__

Communication finishes

Austin turns to Agent 69

****

Austin: Why did you say it was me. Why don't you take the credit that's due to you?

****

Agent 69: I invent things people want to use. You wouldn't want to take that from me would you?

Austin shakes his head in a puzzled way.

****

Agent 69: You've made an image, a personality that people want to use. You invented Austin Powers, it's not important what you did, It's what people think you did that they'll remember. I wouldn't want to damage your product.

****

Austin Powers: I'm a love machine baby! (grins)

****

CUT TO CREDITS

MID CREDITS SEQUENCE

INTERIOR, STUDIO, THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW.

__

Jerry Springer stands holding a microphone the caption reads: 'The Jerry Springer appeal: Evil and Homeless'

****

Jerry Springer: Today on The Springer appeal: Evil and homeless, we have some old friends of the show, if I can use the word friends to describe the people who have tried to both deafen and kill me in the course of one show

****

CAMERA PANS OUT TO REVEAL KANDY, NO2, MINI-ME, FRAU AND BABY ATTILLA SEATED ON THE STAGE.

__

Springer approaches Frau.

****

Springer: Do you think you could describe your problem to the viewers?

****

Frau: Ja, Well Jerry, Scott Evil mien eldest son und Dr Evil the father of this adorable little baby… _(close up of frankly disturbing child)_

****

No2: And leader of Evil corp.

****

Frau: Ja, ja und leader of Evil corp have run away in the Evil bus und...

__

Crowd jeers

****

Frau: They were being chased by British agents!

__

Badly dressed Southern woman in the audience stands up.

****

Badly dressed Southern woman: That Dr Evil wants to learn him some respect. If he was mine I'd whup his arse so badly.

__

General crowd agreement

****

Frau: nien, nien, nien (fire, police or ambulance? *snerk*) you don't understand. They took the only set of keys to the evil corp complex we had. We've had to live with Kandy here (gestures to Kandy)

****

Kandy: Yeah, but now mah landlords threatening to evict me

****

Jerry Springer: (to camera) So, do you have any information that could prevent this woman, her baby and this weird midget thing from being thrown out on the street? Call the Springer appeal: Evil and homeless on….

FADE UP CREDITS

POST-CREDIT SEQUENCE

INTERIOR, MAIN CHAMBER DR EVIL'S LAIR.

__

The main chamber is deserted and in darkness except for the video screen which is still lit up with the images of the world leaders.

World leader on video screen clears his throat

****

Indian world leader: Hello, is there any body there?

****

World leader who gave hospital address: Do you think they've forgotten about us?

****

American world leader: We can't take that risk 

****

Indian world leader: You never want to take a risk. I want to take a risk.

****

World leader who gave hospital address: It's just I had theatre tickets and my wife…

****

START TO FADE TO DARKNESS

Indian world leader: look, they're fading to black they must have forgotten us

****

American world leader: We can't take that risk 

****

World leader who gave hospital address: My wife…

****

American world leader: With the greatest respect screw your wife

****

Indian world leader: We'd have to break the date with yours first

__

World leader who gave hospital address sniggers

****

American world leader; Why you!!!

****

FADES TO SILENCE TO THE SOUND OF FIGHT BREAKING OUT

****

THE END


End file.
